Fusion

Read a few friends' blogs this evening, then skimmed back over my entries from a few years ago. Mindfully Forgotten is certainly an apropos name for my blog as I cannot remember why I ever started this. A name that haunts me. Two years ago I starting writing heavily of my time in New Zealand - recognizing that I surely was having the adventure of a lifetime that needed to be chronicled for my own sake (remember...I forget), but also to fulfill the requests of so many friends and family who said they wanted to hear about my time overseas. From the first update, they all made me believe that what I wrote really was interesting. A travel journal of sorts - one that I am so glad I put the time in to write. Anyway, before that I wrote occasional musings, a poem or prose here and there, pulled out from everyday life and my brain. Like most, I enjoyed the occasional comment. Sadly, self-consciousness and insecurity overcame me after reading DMS's first blog entry in 2006. Arrogance, self-serving, pretentious...all words he used about the Blogger's choice to blog that made me question my own motivation. I felt stupid. I felt flat and dull. I felt like I had no right to write. I felt manipulative. I felt like a fraud. Since then I have been scared to write. Sure, I've put out a few things - inconsistant and emotional - but not as honest as I want to be.

Again I am on the cusp of change. I've actually given this blog address out to more people who want to keep in touch with me and all my doings. This scares me again. Judges and critics. People who question motives. Me wanting to be REAL and HONEST and mindfully in the moment, smart and thinking and interested and interesting, but...can I do it?

Tomorrow I am going to a conference called Fusion. I am really thrilled about it. Not only is one of my favorite NOW writers speaking (Donald Miller), but the timing couldn't be better. If I truly believe that God loves me and has a plan for my life, than I think that means there are such things as perfect fits and perfect timing. I'm ready to hold out for a perfect fit.

What sums it all up is what DMS did say that I won't let intimidate me. It takes courage. For me it was a challenge for FOCUS. Mindfully Forgotten indicates a sort of existentialism and purposelessness. Ideas completely counter to the perfect fit/perfect timing mentality. Focus, as per DMS, is what you keep coming back for. Sure, the "first date" effect of wit, charm and fun are intriguing, but what makes you stick around is recognizing that there is future potential and then actually seeing it happen.

So for right now...this is me: