I am tired tonight. I only have three more nights of working at the hospital! This is good, but I feel bad about leaving my co-workers. The night crowd is way better than those stressed out day nurses.

Ha! The other day I heard my roommate close the front door and I looked at my clock. It said 5:57 and I said...what in the world is she doing up so early. Then I realized, wait a second...yes it is dark, but it happens to be almost 6 PM, not AM. Daylight savings and sleeping during the day is really wacky. I am ready to be normal. I think this is also a good thing in terms of that mood disorder where you need sunlight. What is that called again? Don't lots of people have it in Seattle? I am having a brain block and need sunlight.

I am in a huge state of confusion about my life. I have a job working at the hospital, but it is hard and I don't like it. I have a job offer to go work at CareNow. I have to tell them by this Wednesday, it would start two weeks later. I have a meeting with an educator at my hospital because I want to talk to her about my job situation and I think she will be the most non-biased of all the people I could talk to without putting anyone on the defense or make them look down on me for thinking about quitting. I have a meeting with my missions pastor. I have a meeting with a recruiter from DISD for school nurse jobs - but a job wouldn't be available until next August. I have an email out to PISD to see if they have any jobs available because my mom keeps hounding me to ask if Plano has any and I keep telling her I doubt it, but maybe there is some merit to her telling me to ask. All of this is happening in the next 4 days and then I will have had to come to come sort of decision that will last for the next several months at least.

There is this show that my family has been watching called Joan of Arcadia. It is a spin off of the life of Joan of Arc. God comes down and talks to Joan and tells her things she should do. Like, hey Joan...I want you to take this difficult Chemistry class. Or hey Joan, go get a job at that bookstore. Despite the fact that God tells her just what to do and she ACTUALLY HEARS it...she still struggles with choosing to do what He said. OH YIKES.

OK, so I am not a faithful blogger. What can you do. Let me tell you...I was a bit preoccupied. Here is a story.
I had my first patient die last week on my night shift. Its not like you go into your shift thinking that will happen. The man was 75, in end stage renal failure, and basically had no brain activity...but his wife was still holding on. She did not want to sign a Do Not Resuscitate order (DNR), so he was still a full code patient (meaning he got the works if he went down). So I walk in the room to check up on him at 5:25 AM and I'm like, wait a minute. This guy is not doing his fast, shallow breathing any more. There is nothing. I check for a carotid pulse. Oh my gosh, nope. Think, ok maybe I am missing something...stick my stethoscope to his chest...OK, CODE BLUE! Grab help and things swing into action. The code team runs up, the code cart is there...CPR starts, they are running fluids, pushing meds. Nothing. 0544 official time of death. OH BOY. Then comes all the other stuff.

So God, You put me here...you know the exact beginnings and endings of life. You are over all things, control all things, care about all things. I can trust you.
I'll take it. What else is even worth trying to hold on to?